wow, time flies when you’re not having fun. back to writing and working out today. been knee-deep in alpha stuff the past two weeks, 60 hr work week last week. gah! felt good tho — lots of progress being made. lots of scariness too. like having to borrow for expenses, been in a cushy zone for a while and throwing myself out of it at age 40 feels bad, but mentally i know it just has to happen. i feel like i’m switching careers in a way and i know that can’t be easy. it’s not so obvious as with if you were a w2 employee. i hope i manage it well, not let the fear of insecurity swell up, but not in be in denial either. i mean, i’m only 40, right? why do people seem to always make it seem like you’re already 40. for more than half of those years you’re a confused mess anyway. these are the prime years to do sumthin’ — with some additional awareness and clarity. looking back, i somehow made it here in a pretty good whole piece. staying in sac has been eye opening to how sheltered i am. it makes me realize i am afraid of the world in some weird way, a world lacking in resources. cushy and cozy is nice. but i sense an unhappiness will settle in if i keep doing the same work that i’ve been doing, in that i just don’t find it enjoyable anymore. need to step it da’ eff ee-up! dork cussing, new dialect. keke
happy and prosperous new year to me! rawr. 🐯