today is harry’s vigil and tomorrow his funeral. i haven’t experienced death much very much as an adult, and even as a child. and so here are some thoughts. i can’t say i’ve ever been really scared of death (most likely due to the little exposure I have had), much more fearful of suffering. i wasn’t sure how i’d feel at the hospital when E told me to come as the time was nearing. i’ve never really liked hospitals, but who does? but i knew i needed to and wanted to be there. i was more concerned about what to say and how to act around harry rather than anything else. i really didn’t know what to say to a dying person — what did they need to or want to hear? do you just act like nothing bigger is happening? do they just want some normalcy in this last period of their lives? everyone is different, but whatever it is, it seems like you should try your best to give this person what they want and what they need during this time. and it’s much easier when the person is an open person, however, when they are private i guess you just do your best to understand. when i got there he was no longer speaking and so i didn’t get the chance say or act in any which way. i just sat there thinking that maybe my presence was some sort of comfort to him and that was enough. when E and Kate left the room at some point, i quietly said my goodbyes in my head. i felt it weird to speak out to an empty hospital room. but i felt like i wanted and needed to do something. i’m not one to believe in (or know) about if afterlife/spiritual life is real or not, but i guess that doesn’t matter. the human in us has evolved to deal with grief in a certain way and whether you believe in it or not, going through the motions is necessary and fine for whatever you need and your community needs and so through this, it helps me understand better all the rituals, especially the religious ones (on a broader scale) that i find so tedious most of the time. i think i understand better something about humanity than i did before. i’m happy i was there in the room with harry and E and Kate when it happened and something unknown to me — the ending of a human life — can be majestic and beautiful in its bittersweet way. we played this song for him after he passed. rest in peace, Pops.
These hands raised a family these hands built a home
Now these hands raised to praise the Lord
If these hands filled their task
For these fingers have worked to the bone
For my life hasn’t been a success
Some people have power but still they grieve
While these hands brought me happiness
Maybe things ain’t been all that I planned
Lord above hear my plea when it’s time to judge me
Take a look at these hard working hands take a look at these hard working hands