hm so, i’ve been trying to cope but things have not been going so well. as i get busy, i get more flustered with the situation and really stepping back from it all, i don’t want to be my husband’s manager. i’d rather just manage myself. and so even if it may not be ‘fair’ — maybe the thing to do is just for me to do it all and call our arrangement off. and he should go find something he enjoys and is good at, but will he even do that? or will he just sit around. maybe the issue is just more contribution. what are you bringing to the table? practically. he has a lot of soft, beautiful things he brings and i love him for it. but when my daily household life becomes unfulfilling, something needs to change. yesterday i resorted to the change being just creating some space, even looked up an airbnb in oakland to go stay at, but i know i shouldn’t and can’t do that every time i start feeling overwhelmed about a situation. should face it head on. heard a high performing coder talk about his adhd and how’s he’s just lucky he has a wife that does everything else so he can code and stream. i wondered in my head how his wife feels. but i guess she is just relegated to the housekeeping and childrearing, which i would consider more than a full time job. and he brings home the bacon, provides financial security? or does she just really believe in what he’s doing and so is fine with being his support beam? i also caught myself thinking, can i be that wife? but i don’t want to be that wife. i just want a partner who is my equal, so we can both help each other through life. i’ve said it before but i’m kind of tired of always be the one to take it all on in every aspect of my life. i was hoping that in my romantic relationship i could find some respite from that. from being the child of traumatized immigrant parents. of being an older sister (although they are all pretty self sufficient now <3). from being a boss (also dunzo). and really it seems like letting myself go, creating space for myself might actually be easier alone. but grass is always greener…
and then i was annoyed when he told me i didn’t have to go with him to the lake with his mom. basically uninviting me under the guise of it would be not fun for me. after i was the one who reminded him to even call her and set it up in the first place. and i actually did want to go. but not any more. wtf. and if he just wanted to spend some alone time with her, he should have just said so. i really don’t have to care that much.
i don’t want to feel annoyed all the time. we’ll see how it goes…
i’d like to go back to intentional writing and reading and not have my brain filled with this ish. >.<